Whenever I struggled with a change that seemed unalterable (usually a breakup) my mother would always tell me that it was time for me to find a "new normal". So, considering my interesting circumstances, I have consistently been trying to find this new normal since you last heard from me.
Being a senior student, I obviously spend the vast majority of my time working on school. The drive is too far for me to return to my parents' house when I have a significant break in my day, so I'm getting used to just hanging around the Palos area and using my downtime for homework. By the time I come back south of I-80, I'm ready for dinner, some more homework, a chat with AJ, and bed by ten (and yep, I'm loving that early bedtime, folks). Then I get up at 6:45 to go for a run, read my Bible, and start all over again. As you've probably guessed, my weekdays are pretty jam-packed, which makes me pretty happy.
When I came back to Illinois I mistakenly thought that all this busyness would take my mind off things, such as the unsettling (to put it mildly) knowledge that my husband has orders to go to war. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. I have never spaced out so much in my life. I often find myself sitting in class and unable to recall what my professor had been talking about for the past five minutes. I know, you're probably saying everyone does this, but there are so many times in my day where my mind is 100% somewhere else--usually Virginia. Depending on the day, I'm reliving really happy or really sorrowful memories that I share with AJ, or even imagining what it will be like when we're together again. Or, on really bad days (usually when I hear on the news or the radio that more soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan) I'm trying desperately to squash the temptation to think about my beloved in the war. After spending last semester deciding to get married over a year before we planned, planning a wedding in less than three months, and stressing about the Army, I thought this semester would be a breeze. It is better in some ways, but I'm finding myself really trying hard to concentrate and finish my degree well.
I long for a lot of things in this new normal. I long to see my first married home again, though I probably never will. I long for a home to share with my husband (actually, at this point I'll just take my husband back--where we live almost doesn't matter anymore). I long for stability, when I'm not always on the move, always worrying about AJ, always feeling unique in my circumstances, always wondering what will become of me, of us, always wondering where I fit into AJ's demanding relationship with the Army. Don't get me wrong--I'm slowly figuring this out, and I'm not depressed. Each day is different, but as time goes on I'm starting to feel more adjusted. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad to some extent most of the time. It's not an acute pain anymore (I don't cry every day!); it's more like this deep, constant ache for the man I love. He leaves a void that cannot be filled by anything else in this world.
So, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time, thankful for the many people here who care about me and who want to help. I'm doing my best to grow in faith and to be the very best wife I can be, no matter what's going on. Still trying to establish my new normal, at least until AJ comes back to Illinois for a visit and turns my life upside down again. Even so, I am continually amazed at the love and support people have for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Learning about sacrifice.
(This was written on September 4).
Yesterday I was sitting in front of my computer, attempting to make a dent in my homework pile yet of course procrastinating. One of my social work professors had told my class about a website that has you take a quiz on the issues in the upcoming election and tells you based on your answers what candidate you would most side with. In my efforts to try to be a more informed voter (and also in my efforts to procrastinate), I took the quiz. And I came to this question:
"Should the U.S. end the war in Afghanistan?"
Wow. I thought long and hard about this one. Having done my own research, spent some time with a soldier, and discussed this issue with my grandfather the Vietnam vet, I personally believed the best answer was "No, not until military leaders have agreed that our mission has been accomplished". However, my heart desperately wanted to say "Yes, bring the majority of the troops home but maintain a strong diplomatic presence".
Whether you believe we should have begun the war in Afghanistan or not (I don't even know for sure what I think about that), I do think it's important to finish our mission to make Afghanistan a safer, more stable place. Lord willing, I will never fathom the suffering that the average Afghan person has endured through the years, and I will never grasp the sacrifice made by the Afghan troops our military works with. Yes, I am aware that a safer Afghanistan will make for a safer world, but for the sake of these people alone--our military should not abandon them to evil people. We now have a responsibility to that nation.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm learning what it means to really sacrifice just because it's right--not because it's directly helping me. More than anything, I want my husband to be safe, and I desperately want to have a life with him that is just not possible right now. I do not want to endure more tours than what we are currently looking at in the near future. I just said goodbye to him again yesterday, and it hurts. A lot. If his deployment schedule remains the same, he will miss birthdays, holidays, our first anniversary, and my college graduation in the next year. This is not easy stuff. But I know that God is sovereign and that I support my husband and that this is just the right thing to do, on behalf of a nation I will never visit.
AJ and I are just starting to learn about the sacrifices our soldiers and their families have been making for generations. They are real, and they are sometimes huge. However, even we are so blessed to be provided for in so many other ways and treated with respect because of AJ's service. The rest of the world still does not understand the nature of our privilege, especially those who live in the war zone. When AJ comes home, he will return to the most powerful, wealthiest nation in the world, and we will continue our lives. We'll shop at the commissary, get military discounts, and live in a pretty nice place. So many others only dream of the kind of life we live. So, despite the really tough moments that come with military service, we are blessed that our eyes have been opened to the suffering of this world in a way many of us Americans do not truly understand. And if we can make a sacrifice of at least a year of separation and deployment, then it is right and fitting for us to do so.
Yesterday I was sitting in front of my computer, attempting to make a dent in my homework pile yet of course procrastinating. One of my social work professors had told my class about a website that has you take a quiz on the issues in the upcoming election and tells you based on your answers what candidate you would most side with. In my efforts to try to be a more informed voter (and also in my efforts to procrastinate), I took the quiz. And I came to this question:
"Should the U.S. end the war in Afghanistan?"
Wow. I thought long and hard about this one. Having done my own research, spent some time with a soldier, and discussed this issue with my grandfather the Vietnam vet, I personally believed the best answer was "No, not until military leaders have agreed that our mission has been accomplished". However, my heart desperately wanted to say "Yes, bring the majority of the troops home but maintain a strong diplomatic presence".
Whether you believe we should have begun the war in Afghanistan or not (I don't even know for sure what I think about that), I do think it's important to finish our mission to make Afghanistan a safer, more stable place. Lord willing, I will never fathom the suffering that the average Afghan person has endured through the years, and I will never grasp the sacrifice made by the Afghan troops our military works with. Yes, I am aware that a safer Afghanistan will make for a safer world, but for the sake of these people alone--our military should not abandon them to evil people. We now have a responsibility to that nation.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm learning what it means to really sacrifice just because it's right--not because it's directly helping me. More than anything, I want my husband to be safe, and I desperately want to have a life with him that is just not possible right now. I do not want to endure more tours than what we are currently looking at in the near future. I just said goodbye to him again yesterday, and it hurts. A lot. If his deployment schedule remains the same, he will miss birthdays, holidays, our first anniversary, and my college graduation in the next year. This is not easy stuff. But I know that God is sovereign and that I support my husband and that this is just the right thing to do, on behalf of a nation I will never visit.
AJ and I are just starting to learn about the sacrifices our soldiers and their families have been making for generations. They are real, and they are sometimes huge. However, even we are so blessed to be provided for in so many other ways and treated with respect because of AJ's service. The rest of the world still does not understand the nature of our privilege, especially those who live in the war zone. When AJ comes home, he will return to the most powerful, wealthiest nation in the world, and we will continue our lives. We'll shop at the commissary, get military discounts, and live in a pretty nice place. So many others only dream of the kind of life we live. So, despite the really tough moments that come with military service, we are blessed that our eyes have been opened to the suffering of this world in a way many of us Americans do not truly understand. And if we can make a sacrifice of at least a year of separation and deployment, then it is right and fitting for us to do so.
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