New normal.

Whenever I struggled with a change that seemed unalterable (usually a breakup) my mother would always tell me that it was time for me to find a "new normal". So, considering my interesting circumstances, I have consistently been trying to find this new normal since you last heard from me.

Being a senior student, I obviously spend the vast majority of my time working on school. The drive is too far for me to return to my parents' house when I have a significant break in my day, so I'm getting used to just hanging around the Palos area and using my downtime for homework. By the time I come back south of I-80, I'm ready for dinner, some more homework, a chat with AJ, and bed by ten (and yep, I'm loving that early bedtime, folks). Then I get up at 6:45 to go for a run, read my Bible, and start all over again. As you've probably guessed, my weekdays are pretty jam-packed, which makes me pretty happy. 

When I came back to Illinois I mistakenly thought that all this busyness would take my mind off things, such as  the unsettling (to put it mildly) knowledge that my husband has orders to go to war. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. I have never spaced out so much in my life. I often find myself sitting in class and unable to recall what my professor had been talking about for the past five minutes. I know, you're probably saying everyone does this, but there are so many times in my day where my mind is 100% somewhere else--usually Virginia. Depending on the day, I'm reliving really happy or really sorrowful memories that I share with AJ, or even imagining what it will be like when we're together again. Or, on really bad days (usually when I hear on the news or the radio that more soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan) I'm trying desperately to squash the temptation to think about my beloved in the war. After spending last semester deciding to get married over a year before we planned, planning a wedding in less than three months, and stressing about the Army, I thought this semester would be a breeze. It is better in some ways, but I'm finding myself really trying hard to concentrate and finish my degree well. 

I long for a lot of things in this new normal. I long to see my first married home again, though I probably never will. I long for a home to share with my husband (actually, at this point I'll just take my husband back--where we live almost doesn't matter anymore). I long for stability, when I'm not always on the move, always worrying about AJ, always feeling unique in my circumstances, always wondering what will become of me, of us, always wondering where I fit into AJ's demanding relationship with the Army. Don't get me wrong--I'm slowly figuring this out, and I'm not depressed. Each day is different, but as time goes on I'm starting to feel more adjusted. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad to some extent most of the time. It's not an acute pain anymore (I don't cry every day!); it's more like this deep, constant ache for the man I love. He leaves a void that cannot be filled by anything else in this world.

So, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time, thankful for the many people here who care about me and who want to help. I'm doing my best to grow in faith and to be the very best wife I can be, no matter what's going on. Still trying to establish my new normal, at least until AJ comes back to Illinois for a visit and turns my life upside down again. Even so, I am continually amazed at the love and support people have for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.