Thanksgiving.

To my surprise, and happiness, AJ flew back to Illinois on Thanksgiving Day. So what did we do to celebrate another weekend together?

I picked AJ up from the airport around 1:30 and we headed straight to his parents' house, since we missed the festivities at Aunt R's place. We had a good time catching up with his family before heading to my grandparents' farm for Thanksgiving dinner. My grandfather cooked an amazing spread, as always. This year he and my cousin took it upon themselves to cook nine pumpkin pies, including a whole pie for AJ and me to take home. The night included a big game of Apples to Apples for us younger folks, during which AJ and I discovered we're starting to think way too much alike. Towards the end of the night, my maid of honor and I planned out our first tattoo, which will hopefully be happening before I leave the country in January. Yep, this woman is soon to be inked! Like just about everyone else in my generation, of course.

Friday was a pretty chill day for us. Because we had no food aside from Thanksgiving leftovers, AJ treated us to a delicious breakfast at a local restaurant. They have the best black coffee I've ever had, and adding cream or sugar would be a crime. Which my husband did, of course. We came back to Aunt L's house for a little bit while I struggled to finish a paper. Soon enough I had given up, so we headed to my parents' house to recruit my little sister for a game of Scrabble. Which I won, fair and square. ;)

On Friday night we saw my family again at my youngest cousin's birthday party. It was a nice visit before we headed up to the city for a special date, just the two of us. These days when we're together we like to treat ourselves to a stay downtown just to do something special and make some memories. Let me tell you, we're going to be hotel connoisseurs before we know it. Anyway, it was great to get away and feel totally alone in a different place together. All the same, I told AJ that when we actually have our own place again I'm never going to want to leave. 

The next morning we had breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (yes, we come all the way to the Loop for coffee and breakfast sandwiches available anywhere else) and headed for the aquarium, someplace we love but haven't been to in years. We saw nearly everything there was to see and had a great time. We visited with AJ's parents again that night before returning to Aunt L's place. It's become a habit for us to watch a movie on our last night together, because it's easy to do even if you're feeling sad about saying goodbye to your spouse the next day. Last night we were still feeling inspired from our visit to the aquarium, so we watched our favorite episode of Blue Planet. If there's one thing we've learned by now, it's how to get really good at saying goodbye. When you do it a lot, you learn the tricks of how to make it less painful and how to avoid having expectations of your last few hours together. Believe it or not, there are Army resources out there just giving advice on saying goodbye. But in the end, nothing compares to how it felt when I drove away from our home together alone, knowing I'd never be back. No doubt about it, the Army has a habit of forcing you to be tough when you don't think you can.


So, AJ left again today. We stopped at an oasis close to the airport for a romantic last lunch together--Panda Express, of course. After one last kiss goodbye (no tears!) I was on my way with just the voice of NPR to keep me company. 

Looking Ahead.

A lot has been happening in our little family lately! I'll start with AJ's move to Texas first. He's been there for about a couple weeks now and seems to be settling in nicely, not surprisingly. My husband makes friends wherever he goes and has a gift for being pretty content in what may be challenging circumstances. His first week and a half was spent living in a hotel and going through what's called "in processing", which is what you do every time you PCS (permanent change of station). He killed the physical readiness test apparently--nothing like being the new 2nd lieutenant in town and proving the altitude doesn't stop you from running a 5:30 mile! I wish my body worked that way. 

On the Army side of things, we've learned that AJ's job will be in support operations for the rear detachment. Meaning, he's the lead officer coordinating supplies for the brigade his unit supports in Afghanistan. This is already a big job, and he is filling a position left by a major, which is several levels of rank above him. He has huge shoes to fill, but I know he can do it! I'm so proud, and SO happy that it looks like we're avoiding the war for now. That is truly a miracle. 

Meanwhile, AJ's been making friends in the Army and at the church he's connected with through a friend in college. He's already met some great people there and is in fact staying with a family for the next few months. He's expected to find an apartment on his own, so this will give him time to save money and get acquainted with the city before trying to find us a place to live. He's really impressed with the church thus far, and says that the congregation has in fact been praying for an opportunity to build connections on post. This church is outside of what we're used to, but I trust my husband and try to remain open to where God leads us. Apparently our new home is the newest and largest military installation in the world, and 10,000 more soldiers are scheduled to be transferred there. I guess it's a happening place!

Since AJ moved Texas we've been having conversations about how difficult it is for one of us to settle down and start a life in our future home while the other is gone. It's tougher for me now that I can't picture him in a state I've never visited and don't have any memories of our life there. As a husband and wife, we should be doing things like finding a church and a home together. I'm a little afraid of moving down there next summer and finding out that AJ has already made a life without me. It's a legitimate fear, and it's not uncommon in the military, but at this point I think we both still feel something's missing whenever we're apart. Let's hope it stays that way.

Over here on my end, I'm still working on finishing this darn degree and hoping I can get a job, because there isn't an opportunity for me to go to grad school where we'll be living. I'm trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time, but it's not easy being an Army spouse and trying to start a career. Of course, it's not easy being anybody and trying to start a career, but when you can't control where you live and how long you will be there a whole new dimension of difficulty is added. For instance, my social work license won't carry over from state to state, so that's one hurdle I'll have to tackle.

In other news, just purchased my plane ticket to Ecuador today! And now I'm officially out of money just in time for Christmas ;) I'll be completing my field placement there in the spring. Sooo excited and a little freaked out about learning to do my job in a foreign country! Now to keep accumulating documents to prove I'm an upright citizen so that Ecuador will grant me a visa.... ;)

"It's like we're a real married couple for a day!"

On October 12th, AJ finished BOLC in Virginia and began his trek back to Illinois for a week and a half of leave. He arrived just in time for pizza on my birthday, October 13th. Thus began our short time together as husband and wife, living together in the same state. Now there's an idea!

I'll admit, things had been really tough for me ever since we found out AJ's unit when I was still living in Virginia. Once I came back to Illinois, living without my husband and with the fear of war hanging over my head seemed to become less and less manageable. Eventually, I lost almost all hope and it was all I could do to keep up with my responsibilities at work and school, much less do anything else. I was in a very sad, dark place for months. A place I couldn't imagine being in for the next year.

So that's how it all started, when he came back to see me. As always, it's not exactly easy to start living life together after spending so much time apart. We grow accustomed to being responsible for ourselves and doing our own thing, especially me, since this is my temporary home. Add to that deployment stress and midterms and you have a recipe for some trying times.

Thankfully, all this changed when we got some very unexpected, yet potentially good news from the Army. All of a sudden, my hope was restored and life seemed almost blissful. This set us up for what turned out to be a great week of semi-normal married life. Sure, we were and still are completely homeless as a couple, but we have had the amazing blessing of a finished basement that we usually get all to ourselves in AJ's aunt's and uncle's house. It's been a delight to get to know my in-laws better this way, and I never would have had that opportunity if we lived a more conventional life. It's not always easy moving between my parents' house and Aunt L's basement, especially with everything else in my life, but it's a minor inconvenience when you consider how blessed we are.

During this week of leave we were able to spend some (but as always, not enough) time with family, which is always great when you know you're not staying in your home state. AJ treated me to a fun night in the city just to do something different, and we ended up staying in the fanciest hotel we've ever slept in (which means a lot after sleeping in lots of cheap hotels on road trips so far in our marriage). A couple days later he accompanied me to a pretty important doctor's appointment, where we gained some insight into what's going on with my health these days and made some important decisions. It was a little scary for me to incorporate him into a part of my life that I prefer to keep to myself, but in the end it really strengthened our marriage.

After what seems like a blissful week and a half, AJ had to begin his road trip down to Texas. We decided to go all out and buy some ice cream and orange juice from the grocery store and rented a movie to watch on a Tuesday night. We're getting the hang of this last-night-together thing, so even though it's really sad, we know how to take the pressure off ourselves and just make the most of our time together. It's a talent you learn in the Army, I guess.

Yesterday morning we parted ways again. I drove to class alone while my husband headed the opposite direction for Texas, a state I have never visited but one that will be our new home one day. It was a sad parting, as usual, and I've learned that it's okay to show up to school with my makeup a little smudged from tears. The first night and morning apart is always the worst, because I'm sometimes turning to AJ to tell him something and then realizing I have to text him. In the morning, I'm completely alone instead of having my husband keep me company. I miss him a lot. 

All the same, if this news from the Army holds, I feel genuinely at peace these days. For the first time in a long time I'm not in a constant state of depression and the nightmares have stopped. I'm even happy! And that is not something I have truly felt in a long time. Even my parents were amazed that I was smiling yesterday after AJ left. So, we are back to being apart, but we are good. We have hope for our future and believe in the goodness and mercy of God. I suppose once you have glimpsed the reality of war, anything else we deal with right now seems so much more trivial. Don't get me wrong though--in the Army, it is challenging whether your husband deploys or not. The challenges are just different.

Stay tuned for updates on AJ's life in Texas, our future home!

Three Reasons to Move to Minneapolis.

1.  Food trucks serving everything from sushi to curry to tacos show up downtown for lunch every weekday. Yum!

   

    2. Minneapolis is home to a large refugee population. It has a large Hmong community and a huge Somali presence. We stayed in one of the most diverse neighborhoods, right by the “Somali Towers” and a global market selling food and other merchandise from all over the world. They have delicious, cheap coffee and pumpkin muffins. Mmm. I really want to work with refugees and immigrants, so it would be a great place for me.

   

    3. It’s so clean and quiet! Whenever I walk around downtown Chicago I come back feeling gross, but not so in Minneapolis. And people only honk when it’s necessary! Which is rarely! It was so much more peaceful than Chicago.

CCDA.

Early last Wednesday morning I hopped on a Greyhound to Minneapolis with three social work friends and one professor for the annual Christian Community Development Association conference. Trinity’s social work department sends students to CCDA every year, and this year my professor and a friend presented at the conference. I had heard great things about CCDA over the years and was strongly encouraged by other friends to go, so I decided I had to seize the opportunity for my senior year of college.

I’ll admit, the first evening of the conference was not a happy one for me. I had received some unexpected bad news on Monday night that will make it even more difficult for me to graduate on time. That coupled with the stress of AJ’s impending deployment and being away from him all the time made things really tough for me that night. Sometimes I really do feel as though I am being crushed under my cross and am not sure how much more I can take. As I headed downtown very early in the morning the next day to volunteer for several hours without breakfast or coffee, I was seriously questioning why I had even come (my friends and I chose to volunteer at the conference to save money. I spent a total of about 13.5 hours volunteering in three days. That’s a lot!).

Now before you start to feel sad, I will tell you that things went much better after Thursday morning. Once I really started to spend time exploring the city with friends and hearing amazing speakers talk about their passion for social justice, I was in my element. Being among such a large, diverse group of Christians from all kinds of backgrounds really nourished my spirit. I often feel frustrated or sad about the many divisions between American Christians of different denominations, so it was wonderful to see those barriers transcended this week.

It was so much fun getting to spend time with my classmates and professor outside of Trinity in a more relaxed environment. We all got to know each other better and now share lots of good memories. More than that, I loved having the chance to put my life on hold and do something that makes me happy. Honestly, the demands of AJ’s job on my entire life often cause me to lose my sense of identity. I do find joy in being a wife to AJ, and it is my dream, but being an Army wife consumes a lot of my energy. His responsibilities to the Army seem to almost always come first, so I sometimes forget who I am as just Hannah, not Hannah the Army wife. I love my husband more than anything in this world, but when I’m not able to be with him, it’s refreshing to enjoy other things I’m passionate about. CCDA really nourished my spirit and renewed my sense of who God has created me to be. 

New normal.

Whenever I struggled with a change that seemed unalterable (usually a breakup) my mother would always tell me that it was time for me to find a "new normal". So, considering my interesting circumstances, I have consistently been trying to find this new normal since you last heard from me.

Being a senior student, I obviously spend the vast majority of my time working on school. The drive is too far for me to return to my parents' house when I have a significant break in my day, so I'm getting used to just hanging around the Palos area and using my downtime for homework. By the time I come back south of I-80, I'm ready for dinner, some more homework, a chat with AJ, and bed by ten (and yep, I'm loving that early bedtime, folks). Then I get up at 6:45 to go for a run, read my Bible, and start all over again. As you've probably guessed, my weekdays are pretty jam-packed, which makes me pretty happy. 

When I came back to Illinois I mistakenly thought that all this busyness would take my mind off things, such as  the unsettling (to put it mildly) knowledge that my husband has orders to go to war. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. I have never spaced out so much in my life. I often find myself sitting in class and unable to recall what my professor had been talking about for the past five minutes. I know, you're probably saying everyone does this, but there are so many times in my day where my mind is 100% somewhere else--usually Virginia. Depending on the day, I'm reliving really happy or really sorrowful memories that I share with AJ, or even imagining what it will be like when we're together again. Or, on really bad days (usually when I hear on the news or the radio that more soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan) I'm trying desperately to squash the temptation to think about my beloved in the war. After spending last semester deciding to get married over a year before we planned, planning a wedding in less than three months, and stressing about the Army, I thought this semester would be a breeze. It is better in some ways, but I'm finding myself really trying hard to concentrate and finish my degree well. 

I long for a lot of things in this new normal. I long to see my first married home again, though I probably never will. I long for a home to share with my husband (actually, at this point I'll just take my husband back--where we live almost doesn't matter anymore). I long for stability, when I'm not always on the move, always worrying about AJ, always feeling unique in my circumstances, always wondering what will become of me, of us, always wondering where I fit into AJ's demanding relationship with the Army. Don't get me wrong--I'm slowly figuring this out, and I'm not depressed. Each day is different, but as time goes on I'm starting to feel more adjusted. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad to some extent most of the time. It's not an acute pain anymore (I don't cry every day!); it's more like this deep, constant ache for the man I love. He leaves a void that cannot be filled by anything else in this world.

So, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time, thankful for the many people here who care about me and who want to help. I'm doing my best to grow in faith and to be the very best wife I can be, no matter what's going on. Still trying to establish my new normal, at least until AJ comes back to Illinois for a visit and turns my life upside down again. Even so, I am continually amazed at the love and support people have for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Learning about sacrifice.

(This was written on September 4).

Yesterday I was sitting in front of my computer, attempting to make a dent in my homework pile yet of course procrastinating. One of my social work professors had told my class about a website that has you take a quiz on the issues in the upcoming election and tells you based on your answers what candidate you would most side with. In my efforts to try to be a more informed voter (and also in my efforts to procrastinate), I took the quiz. And I came to this question:

"Should the U.S. end the war in Afghanistan?"

Wow. I thought long and hard about this one. Having done my own research, spent some time with a soldier, and discussed this issue with my grandfather the Vietnam vet, I personally believed the best answer was "No, not until military leaders have agreed that our mission has been accomplished". However, my heart desperately wanted to say "Yes, bring the majority of the troops home but maintain a strong diplomatic presence".

Whether you believe we should have begun the war in Afghanistan or not (I don't even know for sure what I think about that), I do think it's important to finish our mission to make Afghanistan a safer, more stable place. Lord willing, I will never fathom the suffering that the average Afghan person has endured through the years, and I will never grasp the sacrifice made by the Afghan troops our military works with. Yes, I am aware that a safer Afghanistan will make for a safer world, but for the sake of these people alone--our military should not abandon them to evil people. We now have a responsibility to that nation.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm learning what it means to really sacrifice just because it's right--not because it's directly helping me. More than anything, I want my husband to be safe, and I desperately want to have a life with him that is just not possible right now. I do not want to endure more tours than what we are currently looking at in the near future. I just said goodbye to him again yesterday, and it hurts. A lot. If his deployment schedule remains the same, he will miss birthdays, holidays, our first anniversary, and my college graduation in the next year. This is not easy stuff. But I know that God is sovereign and that I support my husband and that this is just the right thing to do, on behalf of a nation I will never visit.

AJ and I are just starting to learn about the sacrifices our soldiers and their families have been making for generations. They are real, and they are sometimes huge. However, even we are so blessed to be provided for in so many other ways and treated with respect because of AJ's service. The rest of the world still does not understand the nature of our privilege, especially those who live in the war zone. When AJ comes home, he will return to the most powerful, wealthiest nation in the world, and we will continue our lives. We'll shop at the commissary, get military discounts, and live in a pretty nice place. So many others only dream of the kind of life we live. So, despite the really tough moments that come with military service, we are blessed that our eyes have been opened to the suffering of this world in a way many of us Americans do not truly understand. And if we can make a sacrifice of at least a year of separation and deployment, then it is right and fitting for us to do so.